The Power of Guilt
by Farm-Mom
Summary: An incident sends Big John Cannon soul-searching and drifting down memory lane.


John wasn't one to live in the past. He preferred to live in the present and dream of the future without letting past experiences drag him down. He'd seen too many men with good intentions wallow in self-doubt and second-guessing that ultimately destroyed their ability to plan for their future. He'd been accused of being a hard man and cold-hearted and a few other things that he'd heard over the years, but he didn't see it that way. He saw it as not allowing sentiment to color his perception of what he knew had to be done.

Today was different. Today, he sat by his son's bedside as he lay fighting some illness that was probably made even worse by a decision John made. The guilt was eating him alive. He could have sent someone else out on night herd two nights ago, knowing that Blue hadn't been feeling well, and Blue would have followed the orders. But he didn't do that. He left it up to Blue, knowing the boy would go just to prove to John that he was as good as any man on the ranch. If it had been any other man on the ranch, John would have ordered him to bed and sent someone else. Victoria had tried to tell him how sick Blue was, but John had just accused her of being too soft on him.

So, in the end, Blue rode out with Reno to sit in the cold and watch over a herd of cattle. When they came back yesterday morning, Reno had to help him back to the house. Blue was as white as a ghost and burning up with fever. John was even more alarmed when he heard the rattle that usually indicates pneumonia. Then, Blue passed out, sending Victoria into a long tirade in Spanish. He couldn't make out all of it, but he knew for certain he wasn't welcome in the bedroom and maybe would do his own cooking for a while. Mano understood what she was saying and helped Victoria get Blue up to his room, each of them occasionally sending a glare John's way. He felt lower than a snake's belly, as his brother would say.

John made matters worse when he blamed Reno for not bringing Blue back sooner. The tired cowboy stomped out and could still be heard muttering some choice words while slamming the bunkhouse door. Buck walked in to see what the ruckus was about and yelled at John about his apparent lack of feeling where 'my Blue Boy' was concerned, then he dashed off to Blue's room too. He felt deserving of his brother's disdain. It was his fault.

So, here he sat. The same place he'd sat since yesterday morning, listening to his son rattle between coughing fits and watching as his lips and fingertips had taken on a bluish tint. Victoria and Violeta had made Blue as comfortable as possible with cold compresses to bring down the fever and various foul-smelling plasters to ease his breathing. They rolled up blankets and put them under the mattress so Blue's head was elevated and he was offered fluids as he was conscious enough to swallow. Victoria had used a wet cloth to wet his lips and squeeze water into his mouth in the hopes of keeping him hydrated to better fight the fever. Buck had brought the doctor, who said he couldn't do anything that Victoria wasn't already doing. The doctor went back to Tucson after telling them they just had to wait, and pray. So John waited and prayed and worried.

As night was falling again and shadows formed in the room, John allowed memories to wash over him. These memories were from a morning a little over 20 years ago that changed his life in many ways.

_John and Buck had chopped enough wood to keep them and all their neighbors in firewood for a winter or two. It was the only activity that kept his mind off his wife, who'd been in labor for a day and a half. Mrs Simpson had been adamant that babies can take a while and the first was always the hardest. Besides, they had called on her plenty early and full labor had only started around midnight. John looked at the angle of the sun and judged that it must be around 8:00 now. He was getting hungry but was a little afraid of going back inside. He'd sat with his friends while their wives delivered babies and remembered the cries of pain as they labored. Annalee was just too quiet and that scared him. Buck finally got John's attention and told him they should go inside for something to eat. On the way, they gathered the eggs for breakfast. Katrina, Mrs Simpson's eldest daughter, greeted them as they entered the house. She'd come along to help out and volunteered to stay and help Annalee until she was back on her feet. Katrina was a pretty, petite, brunette, of about 17, and had beaus lined up at every dance. So far, she hadn't selected one; but it wasn't for lack of trying on the part of the young men._

_Buck handed Katrina the eggs and John put an armload of wood in the wood box by the stove. He stole a glance at the door to the bedroom and quickly looked away. He was saved from having to work up the nerve to ask the questions he needed to ask when Katrina spoke up. "Mama says the baby should arrive at any minute. She says Mrs. Cannon is the quietest new mama she's ever seen. They usually yell and scream and call their Mister all kind of bad names." Buck smirked and Katrina dropped two eggs into the skillet and turned to speak again when she was interrupted by a baby's cry and Mrs. Simpson's voice congratulating Annalee on the birth of something that John couldn't quite make out. Was it a boy or a girl? He listened closely, but could now only make out the sound of two women laughing. Even the baby was quiet. Katrina said, "It's about time." She placed two plates of ham and eggs on the table and wiped her hands on her apron as she walked to the bedroom. _

_He ate eggs but couldn't even remember what they tasted like. His mind was on whatever was going on behind that door. Finally, Mrs. Simpson, accompanied by Katrina, came out and told him that Annalee wanted to see him. He bolted from his seat at the table and only slowed down to open the door and close it again behind him. Annalee was propped up and holding what looked like a bundle of blankets. She smiled at John and pulled the blanket away from the baby's face so John could get a better look. John sat beside her on the bed and looked at the little face she'd uncovered and felt his heart swell with pride and love. He'd never felt anything so powerful. _

_He looked at Annalee and noticed how tired she looked, but glowing at the same time. "Are you alright?_

"_Yes, John, I'm just tired. Don't you want to know if it's a boy or girl?"_

"_Oh, yes, of course. I suppose I should know what to call him or her."_

"_Well, darling, I believe we agreed on William."_

"_William. William. We have a son?" At her nod, John looked at the baby and continued. "William Cannon. Just like my father. Hello William Cannon. Or is it Billy? My father went by Will." The baby continued to sleep, so John looked back at Annalee for confirmation._

"_John, I don't think he'll talk for a year or two, but I'd like to call him Billy. I hope you weren't serious about calling him Blue."_

"_Well, we'll see. Why don't you rest now and we'll talk later." He helped her settle in the bed with the baby beside her and she fell asleep almost immediately. Then he kissed her softly. "I love you, Annalee." After taking another long look at his new son, he quietly left the room. He returned to the table to finish breakfast, then he and Buck set out to begin the day's work. As they worked on chores around the small farm, each of them made up excuses every chance they got to go inside so they could get another look at the new family member. _

_After supper, John and Buck spent another night in the barn so as not to disturb the ladies in the house. When John awoke, he noticed that Buck was not there. Thinking that he was already out doing chores or went to find breakfast, he went in search of his brother. As he entered the house, he saw that Katrina was getting breakfast ready but Buck was not in the kitchen. John headed to the bedroom to check on his wife and son. Entering the room, he was startled to find Buck bent over the cradle talking to the new baby as if they were old friends. Buck looked up when John entered, and continued talking softly. "Well, howdy Pa." Buck looked back at the baby in the cradle. "Look here, little Blue Boy, it's your pa". Then back to John. "Me and Blue Boy here was talkin'."_

"_Oh, you were? What were you talking about?" John had moved closer to the cradle and noticed that the bluest eyes he'd ever seen were taking in Buck's every word and movement. He even had one of Buck's fingers in his little fist. _

"_Well, it was mostly me doin' the talkin' since he really ain't got much to say yet. I was just tellin' him that his Uncle Buck would always be here to protect him. He's a little fella'. Why he ain't no bigger than the buttons on your coat, but he sure do have a big effect on folk." He looked back at the baby who still was staring at him. "I know what you are. You're my little blue button."_

_The baby was attempting to get one fist in his mouth and starting to get frustrated with the effort. "I know exactly what you mean Buck. It makes me feel strong and weak at the same time, but I'd do anything to keep him safe."_

"_Naw, love don't make a person weak, John. Love makes a person strong." _

_Before John could answer, they both turned when they heard Annalee say, "If one of you would hand me my son, I'll see to his needs." Buck was the first to reach for the newborn. Handling him gently, he cradled him in his arms for just a moment. "Here you are little blue button. Mama has your breakfast while Uncle Buck goes to the kitchen for his. See you in a little bit." He put a kiss on top of the little head, handed him to Annalee, and turned to leave. John sat with Annalee for a few minutes while she changed and fed their son. Deciding that his son had the best mother in the world, he excused himself and went to the kitchen in search of breakfast, all the while wondering where his tough little brother got his tender side._

John's memories lingered there for a while, then a noise in the room brought his attention back to the present. He looked at the bed and realized that Blue was awake and looking at him. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed and smiled at the boy. Blue smiled back and asked in a raspy voice, "Pa, how long have you been here?"

John placed his hand on Blue's forehead and was relieved to find that his fever had broken. "Pretty much since Reno brought you back two days ago. How do you feel?"

Blue tried to sit up, which started him coughing again. Between coughs, he managed to say, "Two days ago? I've been sleepin' for two days? I'm sorry Pa. I must have chores stackin' up." John pushed him back down onto the pillows.

"You stay right in this bed until Victoria says you can leave it. Is that understood?" Blue saw the look in his father's eyes that said he'd accept no arguments and reluctantly agreed. With a nod, he lay back down. "Good. Now, you see if you can sip some of this water and I'll see if Victoria has any broth. You'll need it to recover your strength." Before John could stand up, Victoria walked into the room. She was delighted to see her patient finally awake. She left the two men alone while she got some broth.

John noticed that Blue was still pale, but the bluish tint had begun to turn pink again. The doctor told them when the skin was less blue that meant he was getting more air and was starting on the road to recovery. They were warned that the cough could remain for several weeks and he needed to avoid being chilled until all signs of the illness were gone. John held the water glass so that Blue could sip. Blue had tried to hold the glass but his hands were shaky and uncoordinated. John decided that he wouldn't need to stand guard to make sure Blue stayed in bed since he was likely too weak to get up anyway.

When Victoria returned, she fed Blue the broth then had John help her change the bedding that was a bit damp from the fever breaking. When that was done, she left long enough for John to help Blue into a fresh nightshirt. All of the activity used up what strength he had and he quickly went back to sleep – and this time, it was a peaceful sleep with no rattles. Victoria worked quickly to apply a fresh plaster to his chest and made sure there was fresh water in the glass in case Blue woke up in the night. As they were leaving the room, John heard a small sigh and turned to look at his son again. He remembered Blue making that sound in his sleep for the first time when he was just a newborn – something he also remembered Annalee doing in her sleep – and that made him smile. He wondered if Annalee looked after Blue somehow and offered a silent thank you.

They left the door open so they could hear Blue if he needed anything and met Buck in the hallway. He asked them if he might 'set a spell' with Blue. John told him he expected Blue to sleep all night but Buck was welcome to sit up with him if he wanted to. Buck disappeared into Blue's room and John, feeling suddenly very tired, followed Victoria to their room. He could sleep tonight knowing that Buck was watching over Blue. Buck had vowed many years ago that he would always be there when Blue needed him and he'd proved it many times since. If that's the reason Buck stayed, John was glad. Blue had certainly changed Buck, or maybe, Blue's presence just made John see that his brother has many sides. At any rate, they were united in their need to protect the youngest Cannon; and if Blue is the reason Buck stays with them, John was more than grateful.


End file.
